Posted by Stahlhagen on January 27, 2000 at 13:13:50:
In Reply to: New Desc to critic posted by Nixsel on January 26, 2000 at 19:30:44:
Your description now assumes a lot of thing about the viewer, and includes actions. Specifically: > At 3 foot 3 inches the gnome before you, stands arms crossed with a gruff and solemn look upon his face. All the time? > Beginning to wrinkle a little, his face is now showing the signs of age, The skin has become bronzed and bark like from labour in the sun as he toils towards his goal. Two large eyes of the brightest yellow sit firmly positioned as the focus of his face. His eyes remind you of Dandy lions and Buttercups What if the viewer is a drow, or duergar? Would they think of buttercups? Everyone who sees you will want to close their eyes and think of happy nature stuff? > the wind blows from behind the druid Even indoors? Under water? > and you can smell their scent mixed with foxgloves, wild roses and other woodland flowers. Again, you assume the viewer is in a location where this will happen. > A tanned protruding fore head and large bushy eyebrows comprised of leaves I don't like sparky's idea on this. It would be better if his bushy eyebrows were "like" leaves, but saying they are "made of" leaves sounds silly to me. > overhang his eyes somewhat, somehow managing to bring the cheeky eyes into a happy medium with the rest of the face. From his fore head stretches a shiny bald head that reflects the sun into your eyes blinding you for a second. Again: Indoors? At Night? Everyone who looks your way is blinded by your forehead? > The unadorned cranium of the gnome gives way to large shocks of bright green hair behind his ears that look like maple leaves and could well be. This is much better than the eyebrows one- the hair reminds the viewer of leaves. But green? > Growing out of his chin are the roots of an ivy plant. They vines mingle and intertwine each other to form two spiky points of an enormous goatee. Again, a bit much. > His garb is dowdy and plain, as befits an student of the forest. Mainly Comprising of a large Voluminous sack cloth robe that barely covers his bulbous belly and portly carriage. The robe bares the marks of the forest and of his struggles, as leaves and small twigs poke from every nook and cranny. I liked your "pre-revision" version a lot more. A description should describe purely what the character looks like, and be as general as possible when it comes to the viewer. It certainly shouldn't include actions. I'd un-revise a bit.
> and as you close your eyes to remember further