Posted by Taithin on October 4, 2000 at 12:26:51:
In Reply to: Ok, well here goes. posted by Some Newbie returns... on October 4, 2000 at 09:41:02:
> I've got the ideas I want down, but not exactly sure > Before you is simply a beauty beyond description. I thought this was slightly ironic. Beyond description, and then you describe it? I understand what you mean, but maybe a slight rephrasing? > Tall and slender, delicate-boned, and with large luminous eyes, you This might be another poorly worded. The way it reads, it sounds as if the looker looks her over with large luminous eyes. > Her eyes are the color of moonlight atop blue water, while her This section seems thought out, but a bit excessive to me on the looking like somethings. It's about two-thirds of the description, on hair, eyes, lips, then skin. (This also jumps around slightly to me, that you look at her general build/body, then her face, then back to her body.) And after the imaging, you give a direct statement of her face being without imperfection. > She is clad in armor that glistened with water, having the appearance of fish-scales. This is fine, just keep in mind you're trying to wear that, whether you're wearing leather or platinum armor. > Tight and curving to her luscious yet strong curves, a small golden veil covers her entire body, Now, I'm not quite sure what's with this part. You're clad in armor, yet wearing a -small- veil, that covers her entire? body. In general, I think it's a good description, as far as image, but doesn't flow well. Statement of fact about her looks. That's roughly how I look at it, and where I personally might have written it differently, though by no means better than how you did.
> this is how I want to convey them. It's also a little
> choppy, but if you can all help me out to make this
> better, by all means, help me out.
> begin to look over this charming and entrancing young female.
> ebony hair flows like a beautiful waterfall of darkness, bathed
> in the shadows born only during midnight down her back, bound
> in a single thread by sea flowers and shells. Her skin is the
> color of the morning sun upon a lake - a light golden hue
> that sparkles within the rays of the sun. A rosebud-shaped
> mouth, her lips are the color of the depths of the ocean, a
> deep blue that could never be matched by any artist. Her face
> is completely without imperfection.
> from her bare delicate feet to her slender neck. Matching the
> color of her skin, small sparkles from the sun show you of the
> veil's presence which seems to meld with her skin with every
> motion.
(General idea of build.
Hinting at eyes, hair,
mouth, and such looks.
Hinting at body's looks)
Statement of fact about her face.
New paragraph, giving image of armor.
Then sounding as if she's wearing a veil instead.)