It be a shame at the start so that’s where were gonna begin. My parents, naw, not parents, the BREEDERS who made me were mages ye see, practicing in the arts better left undone. Brewing and chantin and muttering and dancing, by the gods! Can you imagine? So she be with child but still she’s acting the fool and using the magics. It was her fault mostly ye see, she was mixin those chemicals and such when they exploded, just blew up on the lot of them. Only 3 of them died unfortunately, but my ma, she lived but was injured pretty severly. With the blast and all, seems I was gonna come early, maybe I thought I heard the horn and wanted to come runnin I did, but never the less the time was there. So the doctors they work and work, and out comes me, little ol me. Size of a fist I was! The magic there it tainted me ye see! I come out a wee thing, smallest child they ever seen! The breeder, she lay dead, and the folk they come around keenin and wailin for her. It was a good punishment ye see, for making me so.

I ain’t gonna tell ya about my youngin days, nothing there to hear other than me keeping me mouth shut, seeing looks o pity, hrrrrrr! Even now thinking of those looks, I feel like hurting someone. And so I lived and grew, well kinda grew, always been small compared to the others. Once I got a little older I spent more time away from the village, cause it was always the same stories I was hearin about how they were destroying this village or that, always leavin one child, I just couldn’t see it. I jogged, I ran, I lifted rocks and sticks. I was gonna show them that I could be stronger than any of the gnomes. Them spending all their time indoors, with books and scrolls and such, bah! I looked upon them from afar, day after day, and my hate for their kind grew. After about 40 years of this nonsense, I met me brothers. No not that kinda brother you idiot, them battleragers, from the village! That day! That day there was power in the air I tell ya. I was jogging around grey rock and there they were, 5 of the biggest meanest bastards you ever saw. They took one look at me, and I at them, and we knew then that we were comrades in arms!

-Authors Note-
In preparation for this interview I spoke at some length with the only remaining living villager from that original party. He tells a different tale. Seems Caragwyn came running around the corner all right, and smack into the armored shin of Flayten the Villager. He bounced back about 3 feet, and holding his hands to his bloody nose and face Caragwyn lay on his side running around in circles and screaming at “a girls pitch” Once he passed out from the pain, they dragged him back a ways to where they had set up camp, and cleaning up his urine, listened to him speak of his village, and what lay there. Flayten decided not to eat him, and to keep him around as a guide to this den of mages.

So we sat at their camp, hidden away in the rocks, and we made our battle plans. It was all I could do to keep them seated, so set for battle they were. They sat listening to me intently as I spelled out a complicated battle plan. They agreed it was better than anything they had come up with, and likened to it immediately. After a joyous celebration we lay out to sleep made preparations to leave at dawn.

-Authors Note-
Flayten tells of how after he woke, they couldn’t “shut the little bastard up” . He had fashioned a crude mace from a dead stick and was waving it about with abandon as he leapt from one rock to the other, spouting about bashing in skulls and making them pay. Seems they tuned him out after a while, and made plans to go in the morning. They fed Caragwyn four firebreathers to put him to sleep. And then celebrated the coming hunt.

I woke up just as the first light crept along the ground. I took a moment to cleanse myself of bad thoughts and then got into me armor. My new friends also got ready, and we stood for a while, shouting war chants. I proudly remember my name spoken often.

-Authors Note-
Flaytens words continue: The little snot woke us all before dawn with his vomiting and coughing; seems the firebreathers had caught up. The warriors and I got ready for battle, and laughed out loud when we saw the mix of bark and wood Caragwyn had put on himself as “armor”. We turned to leave up the path but had gone no more than 3 paces before the sounds of retching called us back. We shouted at him for nearly 15 minutes before he finally crawled out of the ravine. If we had known where the village was we would surely have left him.

We didn’t even stop as we got to the village. The 6 of us charged in with our weapons high and our voices raised in warcrys. We caught them completely unaware. The party fanned out, clubs a bashin and swords a slicing, it was good to see them runnin around scared. I was magnificent! Striking and rolling, parrying and dodging, nobody could keep their eyes on me for more than a second. Then, from the corner of my trained eye I saw him; my father, standing in a doorway holding a staff threateningly. I charged him straight off, my blood boilin over. He saw me coming and the fear was in his eyes, so struck with the terror at the sight of me he didn’t even move until I bashed his head in with my mace. There I was, standing over his body, and I felt triumph. I felt like I knew where I belonged now. I had paid them back for hurtin me so long ago, and now I was a warrior, the title earned in blood and sweat.

-Authers Note-
Flaytens words continue: As we rounded the last corner I called the boys to me to make our final preparations. I look over my shoulder and the little snot is halfway to the village running and screamin in that girlish tinge of his “your all dead, your all dead” and still swinging that stupid stick of his. Couldn’t be helped now, so we charged. The little folk, they fell like children that day, and everytime I glanced about that fargin Caragwyn was in a different spot, poking his stick from under a wagon, his head peeking over a water trough. I dunno if he actually came anywhere near anyone, but he sure could move. Then I hear it, that girle screaming again, and I see him running towards this house, where this rickety old man stands in the doorway with a cane in hand. The ancient one just looks up, pretty confused as to what happening, even looks like he recognizes the lad running toward him. He extends a hand towards him but Caragwyn whacks him in the head with his stick. The old man just looks at him, the damn little twig busted, was all I could do to stop the laughin. So then the little fella grabs the old guys cane and knocks him to the ground and starts bashin his face in. Wasn’t much of a battle but it was a good show. I don’t know what he did after, but when I got finished chasing the last of the gnomes from the village, he was still standin over that body.

So that’s how it all began, and we left my home town happy to know most were dead or dieing. We cleaned out the hovels and left out the gate. I left my new friends once I reached (INSERT HOMETOWN HERE), they were good men, but a little to old and slow to keep up with me.

-Authors Note-
Flaytens words continue: We all left that den of magic and returned to our home territory. Caragwyn tried get us to kill any people we saw, convinced they had a potion or wand on them somewhere. It was all we could do to try and distance ourselves from him. We finally managed to lose him around (INSERT HOMETOWN HERE) and thankfully I haven’t seen him since.

Ok there bard, got all that? I can tell it again if you want, never get tired of hearing about myself. Ok, well it goes on from there, but I’ll let you go and get another ale first, then I’ll tell you about the time I ……

[32 War] Caragwyn 100% hp 100% mana 62% mv 228079 xp
<610hp 368m 339mv>

You are Caragwyn the Baron of Storms, Splitter of Enlightened Skulls, level 32, 126 years old (69 hours).
You are mature.
Race: gnome Sex: male Class: warrior Hometown: Galadon
You are at 65% hit, 100% mana, 45% movement.
You have 11 practices, 0 training sessions and 0 weapon specializations.
You are carrying 2/32 items.
Your items weigh 12 pounds and 0 ounces (maximum of 280 pounds).
Str: 18(18) Int: 23(23) Wis: 25(25) Dex: 20(20) Con: 17(17) Chr: 16(16)
You have scored 213114 exp, and have 0 gold coins.
You need 24846 exp to level.
Wimpy set to 0 hit points.
You are standing.
Armor: pierce: 38 bash: 38 slash: 35 magic: 50
You are somewhat armored against piercing.
You are somewhat armored against bashing.
You are somewhat armored against slashing.
You are slightly armored against magic.
Hitroll: 2 Damroll: 3.
You are specialized in mace.
You are neutral. You have a neutral ethos.
You have chosen the sphere of Vanity.
You are affected by:
Skill: 'large cock' modifies ego by 999 for -1 hours.
Skill: 'large cock' modifies asskickingness by 100000 for -1 hours.
Skill: 'large cock' modifies sissiness by -1230123123 for -1 hours.